You have probably heard the saying ‘a good marriage takes work’. It is true, and often the foundation is ensuring healthy communication between both parties in the marriage. So, to start married life off right, you need to put in some groundwork before you tie the knot.
1. Do we understand each other’s communication & conflict style?
Regardless of how long you have known your partner, questioning whether you both utterly understand each other’s communication & conflict style is never a waste of time. Almost 80 per cent of couples who attend counselling do so because of a communication breakdown. So, to start married life on the best foot, it is worthwhile diagnosing your communication preferences and how you handle conflict.
Blowing hot and cold
A good way to think about conflict preferences is to break it down into a binary style. Although it can get far more complicated, most people either have a “hot” or “cold” style. Those who have a “hot” style can love debate, get increasingly intense, may be confrontational and often emotion and volume increase as the conflict escalates. Those with a “cold” style prefer time out to think, shut down when confronted, go silent, hang up the phone or walk away. Understanding which style both you and your partner lean towards will help find a basis for managing your way through a conversation or challenge with conflict resolution instead of just conflict!
Love languages
Open communication in a marriage is a must, but so is understanding how your partner prefers to communicate. A useful tool to understand this is love languages.
Love languages is a framework that helps you understand how both you and your partner give and receive love, what you value and your preferences. For example, you might prefer to express your love with words, constantly telling your partner you love them and showering them with compliments. Your partner might prefer to express their love with physical touch, holding your hand or being physically close to you. By diagnosing and sharing how each of you like to give and receive love, you will be better equipped to have positive communication with each other throughout married life.
2. Have we discussed core values and know where the other stands on important issues? Importantly, do I respect their position?
A marriage is about experiencing life together, as partners. Therefore, it is important that you have candid discussions before making that commitment. The list of areas to discuss is long (e.g. kids, finances, religion, politics etc). There are a few handy tools that help you navigate these discussions. Remember the results on every point aren’t necessarily important, but you should be left with a feeling at the end of the process that you align on most core values and are willing to compromise or at least respect their opinion on the differences you find.
This digital download contains 99 questions covering the key areas that cause most issues for couples when married. Recommended for engaged couples, it provides clarity on where both parties stand on key issues that may cause future conflict. Both parties complete individually and then discus with each other the results. There is no external involvement. It is recommended if there are any areas that cannot be resolved, that a session is booked with a psychologist to assist. The questions focus on areas that typically carry assumptions or are often the most contentious such as children, finances, future flexibility and communication styles.
3. Have you discussed “what ifs”?
Although you may choose not to include the statement “for sickness and in health” in your vows, the sentiment that marriage is for the good times and the bad is no less true! No doubt, right now you are in a bubble of happiness and love, and it might seem it could never burst. Although you have beautiful dreams for your life together, life doesn’t always work out as planned.
Therefore, it is important to have open communication and discussion about the possible hypothetical situations that may occur.
So what is a “what if?”
Having some understanding of your partner’s attitude to the unplanned and unexpected will probably help you guess at how they might handle the curve balls life could throw. However, it is also recommended to discuss a few hypothetical situations so you both navigate difficult or challenging times in the future as a married couple.
Some common “what ifs” to discuss include:
· What if we can’t have children?
· What if one of us gets a job interstate or overseas?
· What if one of us must care for an elderly parent?
· What if one of us loses are job?
Don’t ambush your partner with these questions, explain the context, make sure you are both in the mood to have this conversation. Try and have some ground rules laid out including the fact that honesty is important and don’t get emotional or angry about the other’s opinion. Use this as a statement session, not necessarily a debate. Remember, in the first instance, it is important to not try and solve any impasse or difference of opinion. This is hypothetical after all, instead it is about trying to understand the root reason behind a particular reaction.
Let the “what ifs” snowball into others. Don’t try to discuss every hypothetical all at once. Be grateful to each other for sharing opinions and insight.
Obviously, if there is something that you both clearly disagree on, it is worth pursuing more adult conversation about it. Perhaps with a counsellor to help facilitate.
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